Bang like an Eskimo

Bang like an Eskimo

For all you Casanovas out there that consider themselves versed in the art of seduction, you’re well aware of the fact that making love starts with taking baby steps before you reach the final explosion.

Unfortunately, real life isn’t like Pornhub, you can’t fast forward, pause, or rewind to the parts that you are obviously there for. But that’s okay, maybe you’ll learn a little about patience by taking into consideration this one tip from the Shogun.

So, we all know how the general course of seduction works and the general train of thought. Eye contact across the room, followed by the man making the approach, offering to buy your prey a drink, flattering her, getting her drunk enough to give you her number (Or nowadays Instagram or Facebook LOL TF IS THAT?), and following up with a bunch of cocktease games through text before you even end up on a first date. So, first date, coffee, get to know each other, yadda yadda yadda, you are cute, I like you, I think my parents might like you, you might be sufficient enough to bear my offspring. Check, check, check.

guy waiting for the hot girl to appear

“Just keep looking Raj, she’s going to notice me any second now…Any second…….Any second…..”

After you’ve made a strong first impression, flirted enough to build some tension, the action starts to take on a life of its own. Now we reach the domain of foreplay. Ahhh, yes, what every guy detests, they just want to get to the steak dinner, no appetizers, just meat please, but patience young Jedi, patience. You need to seduce her, get her in the mood, and get her ready for what’s about to come. Because you can’t just show up to someone’s house, uninvited, kick someone’s door down, beat your chest, tear off your clothes, and proceed to claim your territory. That’s not your space, Mr.Caveman, and you weren’t invited. Bad caveman, bad!

So what’s the first physical step before hitting a home run? Probably holding hands, and then kissing, right? Well, young man, today I want to provide you with some role models. No, not Brad Pitt, nor George Clooney or anyone famous that you know for that matter. And those role models are….

The Eskimos!

The Eskimos have proven time and time again, that they successfully procreate and spawn large amounts of offspring. Why?

Because they understand the art of seduction. They created the Eskimo kiss. For all of you Ape-men out there who still haven’t stepped out of their caves and aren’t aware of the art of seduction, an Eskimo kiss is when you intimately rub your noses together with your partner and look deep into each others eyes, whispering how dirty the other person makes you feel, before even kissing each other on the lips!

eskimo nose kissing
Wtf is he doing to my nose…wait… what’s that feeling down there…. All of a sudden I want to.. to… have A BABY… WTF IS GOING ON WHY?!?!?

“But Shogun, that’s so stupid, how would rubbing my nose on my partners give me a .400 BA (Batting Average)?.” No it’s not, your stupid. You are sitting behind your computer all alone reading this blog post while the Eskimos are busily PROCREATING. Call it as stupid as you want, they’re making babies, your not.

So what is this all leading too?

Your nose and skincare, of course. What would be nastier than going in for the Eskimo kiss, rubbing your nose on hers in an attempt to build some tension and leaving her with your nasty blackhead nose grease smeared all over her face? That’s an automatic 3 strikes, sorry man, you should have cleaned your nose up. Kiss all your chances of procreating goodbye, for your doomed to be alone, reading my stupid blog posts forever.

black mask removed

-Oozing cottage cheese strands, Yum-

Start using a charcoal-based black mask on your nose (I use it on everyone who sits on my chair and get’s a facial/ beard treatment non-negotiable). Remove all the oozing cottage cheese strands from the pores of your nose while drying up that oily McDonalds' grease shine at the same time.  Apply once a day for 5-10 minutes while you are taking a dump or brushing your teeth…. Or scrambling your eggs?

Remember guys, although the Eskimos have adopted a “backward” lifestyle of living off the land, there is one truth they understand that the modern man doesn’t, which is why they're getting so much more nooky than you. And that truth is….

“Once you go black, you never go back.”

black mask charbon noir

Use a Charcoal black mask. Bang Like an Eskimo.

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