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Once upon a time, in a distant past, long before you were even swimming around in your father's sack, ready at the drop of a dime to race against millions for an opportunity to play at this trivial game we call “Life”, man possessed an exterior indicator of manliness upon his face, which he used to measure the strength of other men, flaunt his virility to potential mates, and to convey how intellectually astute he was.

 That barometer of virility which we have neglected today in place of things like the year and model of the luxury car you drive, or the luxury gym facilities and luxury indoor pool on the ground floor of your luxury condo, or the total amount of right swipes you receive on an imaginary phone app called “Tinder” which perpetuates your self-delusion while spending a solitary Friday night on the toilet,

Is the courage to wear a pair of sideburns becoming to your face and haircut.

 While a mans wisdom is typically measured by the fullness and density of his beard, or mustache, (Sorry, your still a naïve boy if you can’t grow either a beard of a mustache and if your beard or mustache hasn’t filled in yet, you haven’t reached the height of your manly wisdom, boy.)
A man’s sign burns have always been an indicator of the strength of his character and sexual virility.

 Without further ado, I present you with an assortment of 9 sideburn fashions starting with the most testosterone deprived, all the way down to the manliest pheromone emanating creatures to ever step on the face of this earth.

1. Skin Fade Bro

Manliness level 0/10

Bro, why would you purposely remove your virility bro?.... Do you even sideburn bro?... Do you even sideburn?

2.The toothpick

Manliness level .05/10

While he didn't remove his sideburns completely, the kid shaped his burns into something i pick my teeth with after my big manly T bone steak dinner. But he's just a munchkin, so let's give him a break...

3."Move B*T*H, get out the way"

Manliness level 1/10

Luda, you're trying too hard... We all understand you'd like nothing more than some recognition for your sense of "originality", but if I saw you in person I'd recite the lyrics of your own song right to your face while pushing you aside... Move B****.

4. Tell me more.

Manliness level 5/10

Now we're talking, we've got some square shape taking place on John's face accentuating his big strong manly jawline...

5. No Country For Old Sideburns

A man capable of concealing the reverberating sound of a shotgun while he's blasting you in the neck, is equally versed at concealing his sideburns while allowing the whispering wind to tease you with faint glimpses of his virility...

Manliness level 6/10


6.His last name is Jackman for God's sake...

Half wolf, half-man, rumor has it, he was conceived in a drunken debaucherous Saturday night bestiality contest when his father was hunting wolves with his frat bro's. But he's never ashamed of his true origins...

Manliness level 7/10


7. "Imagine all these sideburns... tickling your inner thighs.."

Manliness level 8/10

"Imagine yourself my with chops, 
It's easy if you try,
no one to suspect you're a commy,
no, your not a Russian spy..."

8. The King

Manliness level 10/10

They didn't call him the King for nothing. The proof is in the pudding with the amount of barely legal fan girls he took to bed. However, one pair of chops trump his..

9. Chewy


Manliness level 11/10

Unbeknownst to many, a series of lethal heart complications caused Chewbacca to retire early from the spotlight and his Hollywood career after hundreds of Viagra overdoses used to satisfy the hundreds of millions of fangirls around the world (Putting Elvis's "record" to shame) that would show up at his house knocking on his door every night which led to the ruin of what would have been a promising career. 


By Shogun Lance 0 comment

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